A Hitchhikers Guide to Twazis

SPECIAL ESSAY AHEAD
Okay, today's special essay is about those crazy kooky fans of the Twilight "Saga". Anyone who knows me even remotely well knows that I am highly opposed to the Twilight series for many reasons, the writing style and the characters being examples. While I'm saving the next essay to detail what I find wrong with the series, this essay will be purely devoted to getting the word around about the violent Twilight fans. Yes, the bad ones.

WARNING
If you happen to be a Twilight fan that may fall under the category of Twazi, or you simply have no humor or no patience for those who oppose the series, I advise you stop reading right here. Seriously, what I'm going to say is probably going to piss some people off anyway. It always does.
WARNING END

Okay, now that everyone has ignored that message, we can straight down to the nitty-gritty. I am going to post each subject as I approach it, so you can keep up. This is going to be long, so grab a slice of cake and a drink, cause you might be reading a while.


WHAT IS A TWAZI?
Now, as I mentioned, Twazis are the rabid fans of the series. They are constantly out for blood, preferably that of Anti-Twilighters, so that they can bring the blood to their leader, Stephenie Meyer, to bathe in so that she can remain forever young</sarcasm>. They are also known as Cullenists, for their devout following of the newly formed "religion" (coughcultcough) Cullenism. Now, you may be asking yourself how you yourself can distinguish Twazis from their normal counterparts. There are five distinct categories a fan of the books/movies can fall into.

Twilight Fan (Homo Sapiens)
-A threat level of 0. They should be embraced if ever come upon.
-Casual readers of the Twilight series. They enjoy it, and often will lightheartedly banter with Antis on the inaccuracies of it. Most consider it a guilty pleasure, but some just enjoy it because they are sane enough to realize that Edward and Bella's relationship cannot and should not happen, yet they like the writing and minor characters like Alice or Jasper. Some Antis find it hard to believe they exist, but they will point out that they do as often as possible.

Twilighter (Homo Sapiens)
A threat level of 1. They are of a higher degree than a fan, but are easily approachable.
-A human being who is a fan of the 'Twilight Series'. Twilighters are usually quite addicted to the series, and would be considered 'obsessed' by some. However, they are reasonable and don't try to cuss you out for having a differing opinion. These people are also quite capable of putting up a logical argument and also able to have a sense of humor. They are the people who civilly defend the Twilight books.

Twihard (Homo Twihardiensis Excessivelyviolentii)
-A threat level of 3. Trained/Experienced should be able to cope.
-A unhealthily serious/obsessive reader. The difference between being a Twilighter and being a Twihard, is that Twihards have embraced a new Twiligion... er.... I mean, excuse for "holy" war/religion based on Twilight. They live and breath Twilight. Most Twihards are for Edward and Bella. Therefore, those Twihards are all for true love & love at first sight. Point out one thing to a Twihard, and they can relate it to Twilight instantly. Savage and wild, they think every single thing was perfect in the Twilight movie, which, by all standards, failed, although less than the book.

Twitard (Homo Twihardiensis Stupidinis)
-A threat level of 5. Those equipped well enough should be able to cope. Never try to argue with a Twitard your first time. Banter with a Twilight fan and work your way up.
-One who takes the fandom to a level of beyond obsession. They often flame forum postings trying to defend the book, regardless whether the book was being critiqued negatively or not. They are also prone to using all caps, not checking their spelling/grammar, jumping to conclusions, falling in love with Edward, and biting people's heads off for just saying they didn't like the book. They also are excessively prone to being butthurt and have an IQ of 45.

Twazi (Homo Twihardiensis Excessivelyviolentii Gestapoensis)
-A threat level of 10, out of a 1 to 5 scale. Screw trying to argue with one of these guys. One word: Boomstick.
-The Twazi is a fan of the Twilight series who will get physical extremely easily, and is out for blood, preferably yours. The Twazis' one mission is for you to shut up and love the books whether you like it or not. These people are the ones that enthusiastically condone harming Antis, and will gleefully break out the bats if people say "Twilight is not exactly my Bible." These people will be the core seed of the militant uprising, if the number of Twitards and Twazis reach a critical mass, and they go on a pseudo-ethnic cleansing campaign.

Now, arguing with a fan of Twilight can be extremely serious business if arguing with one that falls under the Twihard - Twazi range. These people will or will not try and injure you in some way. It just depends on how lucky you are. The following remainder of this essay will detail exactly how the Twihards, Twitards, and Twazis get the word spread about their beloved series and how they will react when face to face with an Anti.

YOUTUBE
The first stop for all future Vloggers. YouTube has long broadcast itself under the motto "Broadcast Yourself", which some people may have taken too literally, But that is neither here nor there. Ever since the mysterious uprising of Twilight fandom, YouTube has become the central hub for "Twilight" videos, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I mean that literally.

AMVs
With the newfound fanbase of Twilight have come the AMVs, clips of the movie set to a song that the fans may or may not have paid much attention to the lyrics. At an alarming rate, songs from metal bands such as Nightwish and Within Temptation have become Twihard anthems because they believe that the "LYRICS DESCRIB EDWARD AND BELLA SO PEFECTLYYYYYY!!!!!!!!11oneapplesparkle!!!", much to the chagrin of Antis that may be fans of those bands. While the AMVs are a dime a dozen, these are usually the territories of the Twilighters, but the Twihards-Twazis do lurk around the comments section waiting for Antis to comment. They act as a proverbial guard for the Twilight AMVs.

VLOGS
These are more easily the territory of Twihards, Twitards, and Twazis and should be navigated with caution, because the epic fails and the lulz are found by the handful to Antis. But, so are the threats.

Perhaps the most famous Twitard Vlogger of all, Emma Clark (AKA nuttymadam3575 on YouTube), is most infamous for her 50-100 estm. videos all about the Twilight series and her reactions to trailers, news, and her rants about the Antis; as well as her quote "UUUHHHMAAAZIIING BUUUHHHKKK!" (Amazing book when describing "Breaking Dawn"). She has a habit of calling Antis all sorts of names and also has a habit of swearing profusely when provoked. Her names can be any of the following and are not limited to:
-"Shtyupid".
-Fuckwit.
-Ungrateful little turd.
-Wanker/Wank
-Bitches
-Bastards
-Fuckers.

And others. Again, these are always aimed at Anti-Twilighters. She is the primo example of a Twitard because of her ability to get butthurt over everything that does not go right in Twilightland. Once again, she blames these all on the Antis.

While she's the most well known, many Twihards and Twitards have put out vlogs concerning the Antis and their opposition of the book series. Now you can tell anti-Anti blogs by three points without having to click on the video.
1. The title. They usually have some concerning Twilight or the Antis in the title. Examples are "hannah telling those hatersss =]", "TWILIGHT HATERS SUCK!!!!!!!", or "You Will LOVE Twilight (whether you like it or not!)".
2. Look at the username who put up the video. 9 times out of 10, it if something Twilight related.
3. The number of star ratings. If it's low, the Antis have already found it (It's not that hard.)
In these videos they will tell you why Anti-Twilighters are the worst and why they should stop hating Twilight. The argument is very generic. It's the same in practically every video.

The outline of an anti-hater vlog
1. Be sure to start out with raving about "how amazing Twilight is."
2. Start laughing because you messed something off.
3. Begin with your main points: Edward and Bella are perfect. The books are amazing. The movie was amazing.
4. Deny Anti-Twilighters their right to free speech.
5. Start attacking Anti-Twilighters about their looks, lack of sexual experience, lack of appreciation for fine literature, etc.
6. End by failing to reinforce what your video was about in the first.
And if you can do that all with middle fingers and random swear words, you are gold. Now all you have to do is get noticed by the Black Pawn Movement!

Now, the Antis' responses to these sorts of vlogs have ultimately culminated in the Black Pawn Movement: A YouTube channel that have dedicated themselves to "stop the censorship of your opinion. We believe in free speech of what you believe in, and we will fight to make sure your voice on twilight is heard." It is very well known that Twitards and up will repeatedly deny the Antis' rights to free speech, as seen in many vlogs.

COMMENTS
Our last stretch of the YouTube race is all about the ever lulzy comments section. Unless disabled, this allows anyone and everyone registered to post their opinion on their video. Unfortunately, in the realms of Twilight AMVs and vlogs, this area has become more like battlegrounds. This is often where the international lines of Antis and Twitards have come toe to toe, at least stabbing each other with asterisks surrounding the action. Well hey; it's better than it happening in real life, right?

The comments section is often the place where Twitards will sing praise of their Bible (coughcough) that are often too funny to read all in one go. It is advised that one not drink milk, soda, or anything that will instantaneously burst forth from your nose when reading a Twitard's comment. Comments will range from any of the following:

-What do you mean vampires aren't real?
-Cullenism should be a major religion.
-EDWARD CULLEN IS GOD!
-Twilight isn't an obsession; it's a way of life!
-I'm waiting for my Edward to take me away!
-Jacob is the new Black!
-We should have Twilight as required reading!
-If you know anyone who doesn't like Twilight or hasn't heard of it, then you must convert them! You will force feed Twilight passages to them until they love it!
-Stephenie Meyer is a goddess!

Unfortunately, not all comments are like that. They aren't funny.

The most notorious example of a Twazi, moonlight9283 has pretty much made it her job to attack Antis (For a comment or a video) for having a differing opinion about Twilight. Her comments are often lulz-worthy and very pitiful to say the least. This author has had the dubious pleasure of getting into a comment war with her once, over a very unsavory comment involving an Anti-Twilighter who was an expecting a child and the wish that said Anti miscarried her baby for making an anti-Twilight website. She also later went on to insult our men in the military, the fascist... She also holds up the belief that Anti-Twilighters are Twitard-raping Nazis (lolwut?). As a result, she has been banned from a number of Anti-Twilighters' YouTube channels for being a little butthurt Twazi.

THE FORUMS
Houston, we have trolls!
Twitards that don't think YouTube is enough will often take to the anti-Twilight sites, like TwilightSucks.com and constantly troll (Anti-speak for Twifans who constantly under the guise of Antis to stop their "FUULISH HATING!!!11oneapple!!) the forums in hopes of getting Antis to stop fighting the Internet Gestapo. Yes, they are out there. While the anti-Twilight forums are supposed to be a place for like-minded people to hang out, they will occasionally be infiltrated. Infiltration, although, isn't that hard to stop. A troll is easily spotted by their lack of avatar or signature (or both) and will constantly type like they were having a seizure at the damned keyboard. That and the fact they smell funny.

One of TwilightSucks' features is the "Fangirl Encounters" category, where members and guests can come and post their off chance meeting with a Twitard. While many happen to be legit with evidentiary support (More on that later), we get some are so obviously troll-made, we actually play around with them for a while before slamming them on the noggin with the banhammer and we hit the topic with the "Bullshit" stamp.

This is a "bullshit encounter" taken from the forum itself:
"was at walmart, ayite, as I was waiting for Breaking Dawn to set loose. there I stood, in front of the crowd, waiting ever so patiently for it to be 12. as soon as it was 12, the doors opened, & there was a STAMPEDE. I tried my best to block the automatic doors, hitting the children & women in my way. there was this lady, with a bitchy look on her face who had a bat. bats + twi moms? DON'T MIX'S. let's just say she wanted to get to me thru my husband. she hit him, & he past out. R.I.P.Z HENRY THE 2ND JR. there was nothing I could do; I just let him to die. then out of that lady's purse fell her vibrator. guess what was glued on? AN EDWARD ACTION FIGURE! IKR RIGHT! HOW WEIRD ARE THE FANS THESE DAYS!? zomg. this is no epic fail, it's a true, unfortunate fan encounter.

Okay, are you still with me? Are you still twitching? If not, just go get some therapy. We'll wait.

That copious amount of epic fail came from a little banned troll called theoutspokenbitch. Now, when dealing with a troll, it is best to often leave them alone. This will cause them to BAAAAAAAWWW all over the place. This is vital, as it usually result in the troll leaving or them giving us a reason to use the banhammer. Because no one likes a stinky BAAAAWing troll on their forums, right kiddies?

IN REAL LIFE
Now we're entering dangerous territory.
To an Anti, meeting a Twazi in real life is the equivalent of having Nathan Johnson gas my friends and I in Government again.  Meeting a Twihard - Twazi in real life is extremely inadvisable, as they are very, very unpredictable. Their powers of low IQ and collective butthurtness are almost too much to bear.
Now, the difference between vlogger Twitards and real-life Twitards is that there is nothing separating their fist and your face, except for the freshman boy you decide to hold up as a meat shield. Take my advice and stick to Twilight fans and Twilighters like glue. They make good allies to the Antis.

Damage to ears
Imagine your music at the loudest you can play it, then listen it at 100 decibels more. If you're digging red stuff out of your ear, you've successfully replicated the noise level at which a mere group of ten Twazis can SCREAM. Shrieking bursts the eardrums; so don't replicate it by 200 and come complaining to me because you decided to do something CRAZY STUPID.
The screaming is worst at large events where the name Twilight has the very likely possibility of even being mentioned. TwiCon is right out, as is ComiCon, and any future movie premiers from here until whenever Breaking Dawn comes out.

Damage to sanity
This is worse as the loss of sanity may actually lead you to enjoy Twilight and you may very well end up a Twazi yourself. It's proven that a Twihard - Twazi is very much beyond help and that hanging around one can have damaging psychological and physical effects.

Imagine listening to this for two hours on end:
"TWILITE IS SOOOO MUCH BETTA THEN HARY PTTR!!!!!!! WUT DO U MEAN STEPHIE CAN'T RITE?? IF SHE'S SO BAD HOW COME SHE'S SOLD SO MANY BUKS? WUT DU U NO? U HAVNT RITTEN A BSTSELLR!!!! IF U HATED THE BUKS Y DID U FINSH THEM??? WUDNT U STOP REEDIN THEM IF U HATED IT?????? IF EDWURD IS ABUSIVE, N BELLA IS SHALLO HOW CN U SAI THE KARAKTURS DUN HAVE FLAWS? RNT U BENG INCONSISTENT?"

And believe me, I died on the inside having to type that. That entire statement consists of a Twazi's backlashings when engaged in a debate. Many Antis often take these battles to the internet, where they are at least spared the voice and they have the backing of those who agree. But, engaging a Twazi in real life if highly unadvisable. Even logic and common sense might not be enough to save you. They have the "CHARGIN' MAH LAZOR!" face and damn it, they will use it!

VIOLENCE AND CULLENISM
A Twazi's genus is not Homo Twihardiensis Excessivelyviolentii Gestapoensis for nothing. Let's go back to a Twazi's key points real fast:
-Will get physical extremely easily.
-Are usually homophobic. Notorious for calling all Antis gay.
-Enthusiastically condone harming those who say they didn't like Twilight. Saying Harry Potter was better ensures your body will never be found.
-Hard core Cullenists and believe anyone can be converted, willing or against your will.
-Often seen decked out in Twilight merchandise and carrying at least one of the books around.
-Is trying to get Cullenism founded as a recognized religion.

We'll be exploring the odd and frightening world of Cullenism first, because nothing quite beats blasphemy at it's finest.
Cullenism is a polytheistic cult that worships the Cullen family as Gods and Goddesses, and even recognizes Jacob Black as deity because of his imprinting on Renesmee, therefore bringing him into the Cullen family (Sorta). The described "leader" is author Stephenie Meyer. Despite being so new, most Twazis have already become members without even remembering that SMeyer is Mormon and therefore calling her a leader of the "religion" is guaranteeing them 1,000 years in a locker with James, which is their idea of Hell...

And to Antis, that's really not such a bad thing. Excuse me, but the actor was actually kinda cute. Laurent was cuter.

Cullenism includes a complete set of holidays (the characters' birthdays), sacred places (the characters' birthplaces and Forks as a pilgrimage sight), and sacrifices (the unpopular characters, and possible Antis, if things get out of hand). They even have two prayers in line; one in Pig Latin and the other is complete freaking offensive. Unfortunately, this author was unable to find the Pig Latin prayer, but the offensive one was EXTRAORDINARILY easy to find.

"Our Edward, who art in Forks, hallowed be thy sparkles.
Thy Volvo comes, thy will be fast, on Earth as it is in the meadow.
Give you this day, our daily blood.
Forgive us our heartbeats, as we worship Carlisle for giving you life.
Lead us into temptation, deliver us to you.
For thine is the vampire, the music and the hotness, for ever and ever.
A-Edward."

Yes, one of their prayers is in pig Latin, and the other is quite offensive. Unfortunately, some people probably take all of this dead seriously.

Tribes of the Cullenists can be found at the Twilight Lexicon, arguably the largest Twilight-based founded on the Internetz. Some might argue that it's TwilightSucks.com, but I digress. Cullenists can be also be found right here on DeviantArt.

And finally, the violence aspect. For those of you who are still with me, this far, you have this final section to go, but believe me, you may or may not be happy you did.

The former TwilightSucks.com forums still holds the Twitard Attack Directory, which is a list of proven physical encounters with Twifans, usually proven by photographical evidence. They range from something that warrants a light slap on the wrist, to encounters where the Twazi should have been sued from here to Timbuktu. The accidents range from something as utterly pathetic as crashing someone's hard-drive to fucking scary as an attempted throat-slitting.

One such case of a rather pathetic Twitard attack, although over the internet, was when an unregistered lurker of Amazon.com wrote an e-mail to Blue Liz, who runs an anti-Twilight website. The e-mail, along with Blue Liz's response can still be found on Amazon, but for the sake of convenience, here it is for you to read:

"I've been lurking on Amazon for quite some time and been wanting to say this. I can't post on Amazon, although I'm sure you'll do this for me. Stephanie Meyer is a goddess. Putting up with the bull5hit that you and your Dark Siders constantly throw at her is so insane. Calling her out on Ellen? Really? How stupid and childish. Creating a website against her? Your 'precious' satire? Laughable. You Dark Siders are a sore on the literary world.

Faust, Agrippa, Obsidian, Charie, and Shantilly all think you can do no wrong. No one is better than you. Making your videos and writing your 'stories'. Please. If you think for one minute you have any effect on Stephanie, then you really have been living in a dream world. Get over yourselves. I will say it. It is just fiction. It is just a book. Love it or hate it - IT IS A BOOK.

Oh, and Liz, you are one of the worst. Creating the website... whatever. You don't deserve those precious babies you're carrying. They deserve a much better mother than you. For their sakes, I hope you miscarry."

Liz, at the time, was expecting twins.

There are actually two known murders on record. While they were not actual human lives, Mopsy the goldfish was the first known casualty of a Twazi's wrath, having being stomped on in retaliation of an Anti's differing opinion. Pudding the mouse was next, being thrown around by batshit insane Twitards when the Anti who invited them told them to stop when they began proclaiming that Twilight was the Bible.

See why I told you a Boomstick is better than arguing now? Twazis should be avoided at all costs.

In summation,
I will say this. If there is something that ever held my attention and made me love writing even more, it was writing this essay for all of you to read. I don't think anything about Twilight ticks me off more than the fan cult it has gathered that takes a simple fantasy book series to such extremes. I wrote this guide as a little warning to all Antis and or people who have a neutral standing on the series, that there are actually fans like that who will and do actually takes this very seriously and it's always best to know who you're up against. "Keep your friends, but your enemies even closer", right?

Well, I wish to thank you for reading this. You all get e-cookies and stick around because I think my next multi-part essay will be all about the characters. Maybe I will make them reviews. Yay for star ratings!

This is Crystal-Glass, signing off.






And yes, I know that was totally corny.